Since I am running out of jokes and the time to update this site daily, I have decided to close down the Daily Tickle. Thanks for checking us out in the past and I hope you find another source of daily amusement!
Ernie
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Try breathing through you nose.
4. On second thought, let’s turn out the lights.
5. You said you had the keys to the handcuffs!
6. What is that?
7. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
8. I think you have it on backwards.
9. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
10.No really…I do this part better myself!
11.But whipped cream makes me break out.
12.Was what good for me?
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, ‘If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?’
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; ‘Sure, Why not?’
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ‘You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.’
‘That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,’ says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, ‘Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?’
! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, ‘Okay, why not?’
‘You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government’, says Bud.
‘Wow! That’s correct,’ says the yuppie, ‘but how did you guess that?’
‘No guessing required.’, answered the cowboy.. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is a herd of sheep. .. . .Now give me back my dog.
An 89-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof, the light goes on. When I’m done, poof, the light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife. “Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done poof, the light goes out?”
“Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations!
NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________
CRIB_________________
1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shootin. How many mofos can Ramon ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload?
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day Crack habit?
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?
5. Desmond gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother’s bail?
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week’s income?
10. Marvin steals Juan’s skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
A man visits his local cinema. Throughout the film, he notices that a young chap in front has
brought his dog along- and what’s more the hound is laughing and crying at all the relevant
places. The film finishes and, gripped by curiosity, the man wanders over to the pair. “I couldn’t help but notice” he says to the chap “but your dog laughed at all the funny bits and cried at all the sad bits…. its amazing! I just can’t believe it!” “I can’t believe it either,” replies the man “he hated the book”
If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.
Birthdays, Valentines Day, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
Get rid of your cat. No, it’s not different. It’s like every other cat.
Dogs are better than cats. Period.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your father is probably an idiot too.
Ask for you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
Yes, standing is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
Your mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
If something we say can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. But asking us to do both is only going to cause trouble.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we went out.
A priest, a baptist minister, and a rabbi in the same town all traded in their cars on nice new ones right around the same time. Feeling the need to celebrate, the priest sprinkled water on his car’s hood, Not to be outdone, the Baptist minister drove his car into the lake. The rabbi thought for a while, and then brought a hacksaw over to his car and carefully sawed off a half inch of tailpipe.
As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.
For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist.I saw her yesterday
and she is gorgeous. She’s beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she said, ‘Because I’m trying to examine you…’
