TheDailyTickle.com

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is ‘when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.’

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust.’

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease, ‘Chest of Drawers’. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’
Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

Employment application blanks always ask ‘who is to be notified in case of an emergency.’ I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor!’

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do… write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and says,

‘I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

‘Pop, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,’the father says. ‘We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.’

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

‘Like heck they’re getting divorced,’ she shouts, ‘I’ll take care of this.’

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,

‘You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?’ and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

‘Okay,’ he says, ‘they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.’

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

“I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.”
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
I LOVE THIS NEXT ONE!
My wife and I had words,
But I didn’t get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You’re old enough to know your way
Around, you’re not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~