TheDailyTickle.com

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, ‘This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it’s called turpentine.’

The Priest said, ‘No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.’

The little boy replied, ‘You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat’s ass, he’ll pass a Harley Davidson.’

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says,
‘Seven Points.’ His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied,
‘It’s fart football.’

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.’ After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘A-ha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’ Not to be outdone the wife rips off another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’

The old man says, ‘Halftime, switch sides….!’

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, ‘Man, what happened to you? He said, ‘Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.’

The next night it was a different guy’s turn.  In the morning, same thing – hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, ‘Man, what happened to you?  You look awful!’
He said, ‘Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.  I watched him all night.’

The third night was Pete’s turn.  Pete was a big burly Ex-Marine; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.  ‘ Good morning,’ he said. They couldn’t believe it! They said, ‘Man, what happened?’

He said, ‘Well, we got ready for bed.  I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

Bob sat up and watched me all night.

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Ray, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Ray (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Ray, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny… he said nothing. Later that evening, Ray quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… walked home… and left it there all night.

Ya gotta love ole Ray.