A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a barstool. He walks up behind her and says, “Hi.”
She looks him straight in the eye and says, “I’ll screw anybody, anytime anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat love it.
He says, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
A little Jewish guy is at a urinal in the men’s room when a big black guy runs in, whips it out, and starts doing his business in the urinal next to him.
The black guy says, “Just made it.”
The little guy says, “Can you make me one in white?’
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How can you tell where the Amish people live in Appalachia?
They have a dead horse up on blocks in the front yard.
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Why do Polish names end in “ski”?
They don’t know how to spell “toboggan.”
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Heard about the black and the Mexican who opened up a restaurant?
It’s called Nacho Mama.
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What do Japanese men do when they have erections?
Vote.
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What do you call a a skinny WASP?
A WISP.
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Did you hear about the guy who was half Polish and half Italian?
He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.
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What’s the Cuban national anthem?
Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
One night a husband came home to his wife with a black eye.
“What happened to you?” she asked.
“I got into a fight with the Super. He said he had slept with every woman in this apartment building except for one.”
“Hmm,” his wife replied. I bet it’s that ugly woman on the second floor.”
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A man from the city was driving in the country when he came across a farmer sowing the fields
without any trousers. “How come you’re not wearing and trousers?” he asked in
astonishment. “Well, buddy, the other day I went out into the field and I forgot to wear my
shirt. That night me neck was stiffer than a door. So this is my wife’s idea.”
