TheDailyTickle.com

If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.

Birthdays, Valentines Day, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

Get rid of your cat. No, it’s not different. It’s like every other cat.

Dogs are better than cats. Period.

Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your father is probably an idiot too.

Ask for you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

Yes, standing is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.

Your mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.

If something we say can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. But asking us to do both is only going to cause trouble.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we went out.

A priest, a baptist minister, and a rabbi in the same town all traded in their cars on nice new ones right around the same time. Feeling the need to celebrate, the priest sprinkled water on his car’s hood, Not to be outdone, the Baptist minister drove his car into the lake. The rabbi thought for a while, and then brought a hacksaw over to his car and carefully sawed off a half inch of tailpipe.

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.

For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist.I saw her yesterday
and she is gorgeous. She’s beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

When I asked her why, she said, ‘Because I’m trying to examine you…’