TheDailyTickle.com

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’
The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
‘Aha.. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
‘Touchdown, tie score.’

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, ‘What the heck was that?’

The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides.

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn’t going to bother and enter.

“What kind of attitude is that?” David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, “What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message.”

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher’s pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn’t wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, the fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.

I USED TO EAT A LOT OF NATURAL FOODS UNTIL I LEARNED THAT MOST PEOPLE DIE OF NATURAL CAUSES.

THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEDESTRIANS:
THE QUICK AND THE DEAD.

LIFE IS SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED.

HEALTHY IS MERELY THE SLOWEST POSSIBLE RATE AT WHICH ONE CAN DIE.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH.

HEALTH NUTS ARE GOING TO FEEL STUPID SOMEDAY, LYING IN HOSPITALS DYING OF NOTHING.

HAVE YOU NOTICED SINCE EVERYONE HAS A CAMCORDER THESE DAYS NOT ONE TALKS ABOUT SEEING UFO’S LIKE THEY USED TO?

WHENEVER I FEEL BLUE, I START BREATHING AGAIN.

ALL OF US COULD TAKE A LESSON FROM THE WEATHER.
IT PAYS NO ATTENTION TO CRITICISM.

IN THE 60′S, PEOPLE TOOK ACID TO MAKE THE WORLD WEIRD.
NOW THE WORLD IS WEIRD AND PEOPLE TAKE PROZAC TO MAKE IT NORMAL.

HOW IS IT ONE CARELESS MATCH CAN START A FOREST FIRE,
BUT IT TAKES A WHOLE BOX TO START A CAMPFIRE?

WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO LOOK AT A COW AND SAY,
“I THINK I’LL SQUEEZE THESE DANGLY THINGS AND DRINK WHATEVER COMES OUT.” ?

IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A SONG ABOUT HIM?

IF QUIZZES ARE QUIZZICAL, WHAT ARE TESTS?

IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN, AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES, THEN WHAT IS BABY OIL MADE FROM? Gross, if you think about it!

DO ILLITERATE PEOPLE GET THE FULL EFFECT OF ALPHABET SOUP?

DOES PUSHING THE ELEVATOR BUTTON MORE THAN ONCE MAKE IT ARRIVE FASTER?

WHY DOESN’T GLUE STICK INSIDE OF THE BOTTLE?