TheDailyTickle.com

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said, “So why are you here?”

The yellow Lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black Lab said, “So what’s the vet going to do ? ”

“Gonna cut my nuts off,” came the reply from the yellow Lab.
“They reckon it’ll calm me down.”

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, “Why are you here?”

The Black Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets.

But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners’ couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you?” the Yellow Lab inquired.
“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, “Why are you here?
“I’m a humper,” said the Great Dane. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.”

“Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away.”

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
“So, it’s nuts off for you too, huh?”

The Great Dane said, “No, apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped! ”

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully Suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘

And how’s the hired hand?’

Without hesitating, Tom said,

‘She’s pregnant too.’

Don’t ever underestimate Old Guys!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of he own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very sensitive and delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?’

‘My darling,’ she replied, ‘I get all the thanks I need..
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”

, Margaret replied, Well,you shoulda’ bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda’ bought a hat.”

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF : No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented..
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues…
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF : Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEA D OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources