“Not yet,” says the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the
chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed
the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to
feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in
for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of
dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon?
Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the
pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren’t
getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

“You gonna tell him or should I?”

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there’s his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.

The wife shouts, “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and asks, “What would you do?”

The cabby replies, “I’d cover him back up with that blanket before he catches cold.”

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.. I then said,

‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,

“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway..”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is
terrible..”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started……

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started…

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.’

I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started……..

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’

So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’

That’s how the fight started.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .

This would have been the largest, single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course as: Sinko De Mayo.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in this weather?”

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My precious little Fifi is using that seat.”

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. “Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.”

She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”

This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, “Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!”

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. “Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.

They put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors”. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids”
This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

“Catatonics and High Colonics”……No go.

Next, they tried “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives” …. Thumbs down again.

Then came “Minds and Behinds” …. Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in “Lost Souls and Butt Holes” ……. Unacceptable again !

So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts”. …. Not a chance.

“Nuts and Butts” ….. No way.

“Freaks and Cheeks” ….. Still no good.

“Loons and Moons” ….. Forget it.

Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:
“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones–Odds and Ends”

Everyone loved it.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible…

No wait…. Sorry..

I’m thinking of whiskey.

It’s whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a rotten apple.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road … poultry in motion.

6. If a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?

7.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

10. A calendar’s days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The story of the short fortuneteller who escaped from prison … a small medium at large.

14.. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end..

15. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine .

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

18. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture … a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

23. She was only a whisky maker’s daughter, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies in a public place, & was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn outside the drug rehab center … ‘Keep off the Grass’

32. A boy swallowed some coins & was taken to hospital. His mother telephoned to ask how he was. The nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas & pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and he could play the piano like Liberace. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”