A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
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Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
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Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt .’
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Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
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Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly – wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.
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Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
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Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
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Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
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Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
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Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.
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Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: ‘Gosh, I remember these.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’ll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

My check engine light has been on for three months now and nothing’s happened. I’m starting to think that my car is just an attention whore.

I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness.

My GPS says “Estimated Arrival Time.” I see “Time to Beat.”

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, “Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?”

I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwards

“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.

“For cryin’ out loud,” said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”

“Jeez, Brad!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES:
Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog..
able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG:
Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED:
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK EXERCISE MACHINE:
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES:
California grown – 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY:
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE:
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer
needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

That’s the first time Tiger Woods has failed to drive 300 yards

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree … he couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver

I find it’s a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can’t see the Woods for the trees.

Tiger’s wife went for him after he scored a birdie.

What was the second worst part of Tiger’s car accident? The police found the driver in the trunk.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it…

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!”

Ingredients:
1 whole turkey
1 large lemon, cut into halves
salt and pepper to taste
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer

Heat oven to 350 degrees

Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated.

Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.

Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat;

Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on

each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.

Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue

to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.

If you’ve followed these steps correctly, your turkey should

look like the one in the picture.

Bon Appetit!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie – the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?” One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.” The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.