TheDailyTickle.com

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.

‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the
bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.’

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I
have to tell you something about my family before we go in.’

‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’

‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her
clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in
front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom…..

Joe thinks to himself, ‘Geez, she’s got a great body!’

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her
panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner
table. After mom has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is
pleasantly beaming.
But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket…

Suddenly the father jumps up and shouts….

‘I’ll do the fucking dishes!!!’

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Barbara Moore stood up and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Dave, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Dave must have experienced.

“Dave was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Dave’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dave.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Dave is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Dave Moore.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said, “So why are you here?”

The yellow Lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black Lab said, “So what’s the vet going to do ? ”

“Gonna cut my nuts off,” came the reply from the yellow Lab.
“They reckon it’ll calm me down.”

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, “Why are you here?”

The Black Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets.

But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners’ couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you?” the Yellow Lab inquired.
“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, “Why are you here?
“I’m a humper,” said the Great Dane. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.”

“Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away.”

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
“So, it’s nuts off for you too, huh?”

The Great Dane said, “No, apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped! ”

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully Suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘

And how’s the hired hand?’

Without hesitating, Tom said,

‘She’s pregnant too.’

Don’t ever underestimate Old Guys!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of he own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very sensitive and delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?’

‘My darling,’ she replied, ‘I get all the thanks I need..
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’