TheDailyTickle.com

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”

, Margaret replied, Well,you shoulda’ bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda’ bought a hat.”

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF : No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented..
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues…
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF : Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEA D OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite…….

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success…….

All the while, Karen my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything!

She opened the window and yelled to me,………

‘You need a piece of tail!’

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

‘Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.’

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
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Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
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Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt .’
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Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
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Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly – wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.
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Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
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Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
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Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
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Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
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Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.
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Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: ‘Gosh, I remember these.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’ll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

My check engine light has been on for three months now and nothing’s happened. I’m starting to think that my car is just an attention whore.

I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness.

My GPS says “Estimated Arrival Time.” I see “Time to Beat.”

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, “Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?”

I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwards