Trueisms
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’ll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
My check engine light has been on for three months now and nothing’s happened. I’m starting to think that my car is just an attention whore.
I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness.
My GPS says “Estimated Arrival Time.” I see “Time to Beat.”
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, “Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?”
I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwards
